May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed in the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully outside of place. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: present All people a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he ought to end working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the job, replied, "You understand, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Great tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance Trump Tower Damascus imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a element getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after locating the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not just ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Features


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where company may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "the place's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting notice from international buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down company."


A further put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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